Q: So you want to interview me for your book. Why?

A: Erm, well, because you’re A GIANT SQUID. It would be amazing!

Q: How?

A: OK, well, maybe I have just realised that you don’t know much about books, kids, reading and that kind of stuff. My bad. ANYWAY, we humans usually interview other people like actors and footballers and singers, and, to be really honest, most of them are VERY DULL. But you’re a massive, mysterious sea creature with a beak and eyes the size of dinner plates! Kids love beasties like you.

Q: I think I get it. So what’s the book about, then?

A: Good question! It’s called Interview with a Shark and Other Ocean Giants and it’s all about the biggest and most interesting animals that live in the seas around the world. I ask them questions about their lives and they tell me fascinating things! It also has brilliant pictures by Nick East.

Q: Ooh, it sounds good. Where can I get a copy?

A: Er, well, I need to interview you first, to find out all about you.

Q: Ahhhh, I SEE… So, what do you want to know?

A: Hang on, aren’t you supposed to be interviewing me?

Q: RIGHT, I forgot. So, er, Hugh, what other sea creatures are in the book?

A: Hugh? I’m Andy.

Q: But my agent said a Hugh Mann wants to ask you questions. Is that not you?

A: A human! Me, Andy Seed. Anyway, we’re wasting time here – I’m also interviewing a blue whale, a bull shark, an orca, a conger eel, an octopus, a … WAIT A MOMENT – you have an agent?

Q: I do now. If I’m going to be in books and increase my media profile, I need representation! So, how much are you offering for the piece? 10K? Twenty? You authors are all millionaires – even cuttlefish know that…

A: EH? What! Where do I EVEN START? Look, the publishers are a bit hard up TBH, and I’m currently living in a tree on the outskirts of Pontefract. The most they can offer is two fish heads and a bookmark. But, look, it’s not about money this book, it’s all about giving you marine creatures a VOICE. This is your chance to speak out to the world – to tell the audience the things that they need to hear!

Q: What, like stop dumping plastic in the sea?

A: EXACTLY! The book is going to feature a number of endangered animals, such as the narwhal. It’s a chance for kids to discover what is happening to the oceans and how it actually affects animals like you.

Q: Sounds really good! Maybe I will drop my fee… So, er, if I do the book will I get the chance to say what I think of people – you lot that cause all the pollution and trap us in nets and all that horrible stuff?

A: Yes!

Q: Wow, I’m really going to let rip… hey, are all humans as weird as you?

A: Yes, I mean no. But look, this is going to be a fun book too. It’s got to be enjoyable, so that children will read it, you know. So it’s not going to be all heavy environmental stuff – it’s going to be mainly full of amazing facts, wowsome pictures and a few funny bits too.

Q: Is wowsome a real word?

A: Possibly not, but come on Mr Giant Squid, this could be your big break. Are you going to do the interview?

Q: It’s Mrs Giant Squid. What do you think these are?

A: Whoops.